I don't think I have a "normal" brain.
Right now, where I live there aren't too many people. It's the calm before the storm. In the mornings I go for a walk and on that walk I will encounter a few people. It's not like a city street where there are so many people you can just ignore them all. It's 5 minutes of walking alone and then you see a person heading in your direction. Three minutes and here comes another one.
The moment I see a person my brain goes into hyperdrive. Should I pretend I don't see them? (Not possible) Should I ignore them? (That's rude). Should I just smile? Should I add a head nod? Should I say "Hello"?. I am actually stressed out about which way I should handle this passing stranger. Sometimes I imagine myself diving head first into the nearest bushes until they pass so as to avoid all interaction.
Generally what happens is I look up at them and let them take the lead. If they don't look at me I am off the hook. Hooray! If they are smiling I smile back which often times leads to a hello or a head nod. The thing is....it's not a big deal. Except it is, to me, in that moment. I'm not sure why though unless it stems from my hatred of small talk. Or some kind of fear of rejection left over from my precious school days.
I am the type of girl who will pretend not to see someone she hasn't seen in years if she runs into them somewhere because, well, I have no idea what to say. There is no such thing as "small talk" with me. I hate it. And when I try to engage in it I just fumble awkwardly along, over analyzing every syllable that comes out of my mouth. I don't want to talk about the weather or the red sox. If I am going to have a conversation with you I want it to be real. I want it count. I want it to matter.
I want to know how you feel, how you really feel. I want to know what you think, even if it's not what I think. I want to have meaningful conversation, even if it's just about an album. I do not want to waste my time talking about who Arnold Schwarzenegger boned 10 years ago. I don't care.
Tell me what your dreams are, and I'll tell you mine.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
What happens when two introverts try to plan a big wedding
This blog is going to be in two parts. Part I is entitled "Tara drops the bomb...but it's going to be ok!" Or alternately "Hate weddings? You're welcome!" And Part II will be entitled "Let me explain..." or "We didn't feel this way about YOUR wedding. We thought it was just lovely!"
Part I
Looking back I'm not sure what we were thinking. Well, yes I do. We were thinking "What a fantastic opportunity to get all of our friends (who are scattered all over the country) together in one place for a big party! Yay!" The thought of that was so exciting that we kind of forgot who we were, and what we're about.
Now before you all go crossing "Tara & Scott's Wedding" off of your calendars stop. You're not exactly off the hook. We're still having a party, and we still fully expect you to be there. And actually this will allow us to invite even MORE of you! (And if your name is "Breck Sargent" we're going to need your services...twice.) There will be some rules for this party and the rules are as follows (We could potentially add more, but for now this is it)
1) Wear what you want. Need an excuse to get dressed up? Feel free. I'll probably be prancing around in my wedding dress (which won't look like one because David's Bridal makes me want to barf). Don't feel like getting out of your pajamas? Word...I don't usually either.We just want you to be happy.
2) Do NOT feel like you need to bring us gifts. While we absolutely appreciate the thought and the gesture we will not be registering. We have two apartments worth of stuff in this house. Actually probably slightly more because Scott saves a lot of stuff. Like old hardcore show fliers, and things that resemble a keytar, but aren't really. If you feel like you simply must get us something we will send a list of charities you can donate too in our name. We would love that.
3) You can still bring your dancing shoes. It's encouraged, actually. There will be copious amounts of vinyl and a lot of Michael Jackson. Sierra is a dancing machine and would appreciate some worthy dance partners.
4) If you live out of state please make reservations at a hotel early. We'll send you information shortly. It's cape cod, in the summer and we *really* want to see you!
Part II
I'm going to start this section off by listing reasons having a big fancy wedding is a bad idea for us. I'm in a making lists kind of mood. And then I will explain them in detail. For the record these are not in any particular order.
1) The money we could be spending on this wedding could be a decent chunk of a house down payment
2) Big wedding = no honeymoon
3) We don't like the spotlight
4) We don't dig extravagant stuff
5) The Christmas analogy
OK! So here's the thing...this is my second wedding. Which means my parents have foot the bill for this before. This time I'm on my own. I've been through a divorce. I was a single mother. We don't have *that* much saved. And what we do have saved, we are having a hard time parting with for one.day. Sure, we could take out a loan but really? We're going to start our marriage in debt for one day? Ehhhhh. I don't think that's a terribly wise decision. In fact, it seems pretty stupid. Buy a house OR Throw a big party? Hmm....Apparently I've matured over the past 15 years because I'm leaning towards the house.
2) So say we decide whatever with the house! Let's spend the savings! Woo wedding time! Ok great...we still don't have enough to then go on a honeymoon. And I'm not sure about you, but that part seems like a lot of fun. I've spent the last 15 years of my life, longing to walk the streets of London. And Scott would love to go back. When a wedding gown costs as much as a round trip plane ticket to England which one would you pick? I'm a plane ticket kinda lady myself.
3) Neither one of us likes the spotlight. I actually actively try to run from it. I have a hard enough time talking to/in front of ONE person I just met. And Scott does not like talking to crowds. So now we are expecting ourselves to profess our deepest undying love and gratitude to each other in front of 75-100 staring people. Really? I'm sure that will go well. I'm sure Tara won't stutter, or maybe pass out. And Scott's hands won't go clammy and he won't forget what he was trying to say or anything. I'm sure it will go splendidly! Everyone knows that socially awkward people LOVE being the center of attention. Ok Scott might not be socially awkward, but I certainly am.
4) We're not flashy people. I was dragged to wedding gown stores twice and both times I hated everything in them. We do not enjoy "bling" which every dress seemed to be adorn with. I don't like veils. My ability to walk in heels is sketchy at best. We don't like chocolate fountains, ice sculptures, cigar rollers, toasts, people clinking their glasses with knives to make us kiss, having people announce us, having to dance while people stare at us, shoving cake in each others faces, throwing flowers while single girls scramble to catch them (even though it has no effect on their love life whatsoever), Garter Belts, the funky chicken.
5) So what happened when we started to plan a wedding feels a little bit like what happened to Christmas. It became about the place, the food, the booze, the flowers, the dress, the place settings, who are we inviting, who can we afford to invite, whose feelings are going to get hurt.
I wanted us to write our own vows, but quickly realized I couldn't read them in front of all those people. It would be too personal, too intimate a thing to recite in front of all of those people. And then I realized this was turning into a what felt to me like an elaborate production. Like we were gearing up to go on stage. If I couldn't write what I felt in my heart and read it to my almost husband....what kind of marriage ceremony is that? Not the one for us....
A marriage isn't about whose feelings are going to get hurt. It's not about flowers that no one remembers or a flashy dress (unless you want it to be, in which case more power to you). It's about two best friends who are promising to stand by each other until the end. And those two best friends should be able to do that in whichever way they choose, which is exactly what we are doing.
Part I
Looking back I'm not sure what we were thinking. Well, yes I do. We were thinking "What a fantastic opportunity to get all of our friends (who are scattered all over the country) together in one place for a big party! Yay!" The thought of that was so exciting that we kind of forgot who we were, and what we're about.
Now before you all go crossing "Tara & Scott's Wedding" off of your calendars stop. You're not exactly off the hook. We're still having a party, and we still fully expect you to be there. And actually this will allow us to invite even MORE of you! (And if your name is "Breck Sargent" we're going to need your services...twice.) There will be some rules for this party and the rules are as follows (We could potentially add more, but for now this is it)
1) Wear what you want. Need an excuse to get dressed up? Feel free. I'll probably be prancing around in my wedding dress (which won't look like one because David's Bridal makes me want to barf). Don't feel like getting out of your pajamas? Word...I don't usually either.We just want you to be happy.
2) Do NOT feel like you need to bring us gifts. While we absolutely appreciate the thought and the gesture we will not be registering. We have two apartments worth of stuff in this house. Actually probably slightly more because Scott saves a lot of stuff. Like old hardcore show fliers, and things that resemble a keytar, but aren't really. If you feel like you simply must get us something we will send a list of charities you can donate too in our name. We would love that.
3) You can still bring your dancing shoes. It's encouraged, actually. There will be copious amounts of vinyl and a lot of Michael Jackson. Sierra is a dancing machine and would appreciate some worthy dance partners.
4) If you live out of state please make reservations at a hotel early. We'll send you information shortly. It's cape cod, in the summer and we *really* want to see you!
Part II
I'm going to start this section off by listing reasons having a big fancy wedding is a bad idea for us. I'm in a making lists kind of mood. And then I will explain them in detail. For the record these are not in any particular order.
1) The money we could be spending on this wedding could be a decent chunk of a house down payment
2) Big wedding = no honeymoon
3) We don't like the spotlight
4) We don't dig extravagant stuff
5) The Christmas analogy
OK! So here's the thing...this is my second wedding. Which means my parents have foot the bill for this before. This time I'm on my own. I've been through a divorce. I was a single mother. We don't have *that* much saved. And what we do have saved, we are having a hard time parting with for one.day. Sure, we could take out a loan but really? We're going to start our marriage in debt for one day? Ehhhhh. I don't think that's a terribly wise decision. In fact, it seems pretty stupid. Buy a house OR Throw a big party? Hmm....Apparently I've matured over the past 15 years because I'm leaning towards the house.
2) So say we decide whatever with the house! Let's spend the savings! Woo wedding time! Ok great...we still don't have enough to then go on a honeymoon. And I'm not sure about you, but that part seems like a lot of fun. I've spent the last 15 years of my life, longing to walk the streets of London. And Scott would love to go back. When a wedding gown costs as much as a round trip plane ticket to England which one would you pick? I'm a plane ticket kinda lady myself.
3) Neither one of us likes the spotlight. I actually actively try to run from it. I have a hard enough time talking to/in front of ONE person I just met. And Scott does not like talking to crowds. So now we are expecting ourselves to profess our deepest undying love and gratitude to each other in front of 75-100 staring people. Really? I'm sure that will go well. I'm sure Tara won't stutter, or maybe pass out. And Scott's hands won't go clammy and he won't forget what he was trying to say or anything. I'm sure it will go splendidly! Everyone knows that socially awkward people LOVE being the center of attention. Ok Scott might not be socially awkward, but I certainly am.
4) We're not flashy people. I was dragged to wedding gown stores twice and both times I hated everything in them. We do not enjoy "bling" which every dress seemed to be adorn with. I don't like veils. My ability to walk in heels is sketchy at best. We don't like chocolate fountains, ice sculptures, cigar rollers, toasts, people clinking their glasses with knives to make us kiss, having people announce us, having to dance while people stare at us, shoving cake in each others faces, throwing flowers while single girls scramble to catch them (even though it has no effect on their love life whatsoever), Garter Belts, the funky chicken.
5) So what happened when we started to plan a wedding feels a little bit like what happened to Christmas. It became about the place, the food, the booze, the flowers, the dress, the place settings, who are we inviting, who can we afford to invite, whose feelings are going to get hurt.
I wanted us to write our own vows, but quickly realized I couldn't read them in front of all those people. It would be too personal, too intimate a thing to recite in front of all of those people. And then I realized this was turning into a what felt to me like an elaborate production. Like we were gearing up to go on stage. If I couldn't write what I felt in my heart and read it to my almost husband....what kind of marriage ceremony is that? Not the one for us....
A marriage isn't about whose feelings are going to get hurt. It's not about flowers that no one remembers or a flashy dress (unless you want it to be, in which case more power to you). It's about two best friends who are promising to stand by each other until the end. And those two best friends should be able to do that in whichever way they choose, which is exactly what we are doing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)