small talk.

I don't think I have a "normal" brain.

Right now, where I live there aren't too many people. It's the calm before the storm. In the mornings I go for a walk and on that walk I will encounter a few people. It's not like a city street where there are so many people you can just ignore them all. It's 5 minutes of walking alone and then you see a person heading in your direction. Three minutes and here comes another one.

The moment I see a person my brain goes into hyperdrive. Should I pretend I don't see them? (Not possible) Should I ignore them? (That's rude). Should I just smile? Should I add a head nod? Should I say "Hello"?. I am actually stressed out about which way I should handle this passing stranger. Sometimes I imagine myself diving head first into the nearest bushes until they pass so as to avoid all interaction.

Generally what happens is I look up at them and let them take the lead. If they don't look at me I am off the hook. Hooray! If they are smiling I smile back which often times leads to a hello or a head nod. The thing is....it's not a big deal. Except it is, to me, in that moment. I'm not sure why though unless it stems from my hatred of small talk. Or some kind of fear of rejection left over from my precious school days.

I am the type of girl who will pretend not to see someone she hasn't seen in years if she runs into them somewhere because, well, I have no idea what to say. There is no such thing as "small talk" with me. I hate it. And when I try to engage in it I just fumble awkwardly along, over analyzing every syllable that comes out of my mouth. I don't want to talk about the weather or the red sox. If I am going to have a conversation with you I want it to be real. I want it count. I want it to matter.

I want to know how you feel, how you really feel. I want to know what you think, even if it's not what I think. I want to have meaningful conversation, even if it's just about an album. I do not want to waste my time talking about who Arnold Schwarzenegger boned 10 years ago. I don't care.

Tell me what your dreams are, and I'll tell you mine.