Ryan

I met Ryan weeks before my 17th birthday on the steps of community hall in woods hole.

"Hi my name is Ryan. You're really beautiful."

I think my reply was something like "Umm...thank you" and then he took the headphones from around his neck and said "Listen to this". It was Aphex Twin, and it was the start of our friendship that was cut short far too soon.

When I think of Ryan I think of his mixtapes that were put together so perfectly, his backpack full of beer, his outrageous stories that would get on my nerves, the secret spots in the woods we'd make fires at and drink around. I think of the time we broke into my cousins apartment while he was living somewhere else to watch "Helter Skelter" and my cousin showing and almost kicking the crap out of him.

Ryan was a major reason I spent my highschool years watching foreign films, listening to bands like NomeansNo, The Pixies, The Pogues. He was the reason I smoked expensive cigarettes and only drank stouts and microbrews. I will never forget the night we all drank *way* too much "Southern Comfort" (god you couldn't pay me to drink that garbage now!) and we stumbled around woods hole at 2am and he took the last swig and opened the big mailbox by the post office and yelled "I'M MAILING IT OFF!" and we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt.

Ryan could drive you crazy. He would take over your car stereo, he would talk and talk and talk and he could be stubborn as hell. He was however a true friend, and he wore his heart on his sleeve. He would give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it. And he would randomly give me these really awesome out of nowhere gifts.

The last time I saw Ryan he came into my work to say hello. I was pregnant and it was the day after I had a level 2 ultrasound so I had this really amazing picture of Sierra. I ran out to my car and got it and showed it to him. I feel really good about that. I am really glad he got to see Sierra even if it was just in an ultrasound.

Six months later he was gone. Six months later he decided to take his own life. None of us really know why. And all of us, I think, struggled with the "What if's". What if I had been more present? What if I wasn't so wrapped up in taking care of my two month old? Could I have said something to change this? Could I have somehow kept this from happening?

Eight years later I still hear songs and think "Ryan would have liked this". I still watch "The Evil Dead" and think of him. I never realized it as I was living it, but Ryan had such an impact on me. I have the worst memory ever, but I somehow I can relive memories of him so clearly. Sitting on the rocks at Ganset, swimming in the ocean at 1 in the morning, endlessly searching for land land never, drinking cup after cup of coffee at coffee o, and arguing with Hugh about being able to smoke outside.

I miss him. I wish I could show him my record collection. I wish he could come sit by our fire pit and tell us stories that were so far fetched we would roll our eyes at him. I remember at his memorial service the minister saying something about him being meek and the ENTIRE place erupting in laughter. Meek? Clearly you didn't know Ryan T. Leary...

For some reason I can't figure out how to end this post so I guess I'll just end it with some "Slint" lyrics because I think he'd approve of that.

"I miss you.
I've grown taller now.
I want the police to be notified.
I'll make it up to you,
I swear, I'll make it up to you.

I miss you."